I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
