mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
