I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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