Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
