I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
