So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
