I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
