new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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