I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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