I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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