all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
