im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
