can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
