she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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