If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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