No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
