i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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