Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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