Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
