Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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