please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
