I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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