im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can I color on your dick again?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
