just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
