Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
smell my finger.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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