I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
