i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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