i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize