yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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