Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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