The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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