Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
