PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
