She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
