I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
