My friends, they love my intelligence
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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