He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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