I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
