just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
