i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
