If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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