You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Come on in and take your pants off
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
