dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
