I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
