plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
