I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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