I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
