there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
