another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
as a side note pls kill me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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