I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
