I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
