If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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