Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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