nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
