I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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