I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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