I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
