apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
